Queens Engerlish

Queens Engerlish

Queen's Engerlish!!! 


Hey, since we're now living in the time of e-mail (and blogs and texts and Tweets) and the more common use of the written language, it is time for an English lesson. So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish: 


1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.  

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat). 

6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific. 

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 

9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 

10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too. 

11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used. 

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 

14. One should never generalize. 

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 

16. Don't use no double negatives. 

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.  

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 
 
20. The passive voice is to be ignored. 

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!  

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 

25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas. 

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.   

27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.". 

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.  

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 

31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?  

33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.  

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
The Country House

The Country House

The Country House -------------------------


At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Sir, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE....................
"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!

Only in Time. By Uche Duru




Its only in time
Building houses on clouds
Cars run on water
Planes take off without a sound
The sun goes round the moon
Urine's highly inflammable
Rats live for a century
Only in time
An unsolved mystery
A riddle
No man can solve
Deaths and births
Thank Goodness
Its just a dream
The moon smiles sycophantly
Betraying centuries of trust
Wobbling the earth downside up
Mourners smiling
Smiling in agony
After a small medium at large
Seniors have sat
Reciting unsolved riddles
Telling a story with no end
Black toothpaste 
Purple teeth
Spoke menacingly
An indignant smile
Making my eyes turn
Like a man drunk in water
I lit a candle
With light from a bulb
In a room with no doors
No windows
No openings
I stepped out
An happy shock
Standing on the edge of the world
The last man standing
The only one left
The earth's not moving
Stars shine brighter than sun
A cloudless sky
A pink sky
With a dazzling rim of gold
The sky dazzled
Beautifully
Its only flaw, ironically
Is its perfect beauty
It was just a dream!





My Mother

My Mother

My Mother -------------------------



1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."



How many of these did your mother teach You? 

YOU MIGHT BE A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS IF:


YOU MIGHT BE A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS IF:





1. "pioneer" is not a stereo. 

2. "tract" has nothing to do with land or farming.

3. you know where Nisan 14 of the Jewish calender lands on the Gregorian calender from year to year and yet you commonly forget your own birthday.

4. You wash windows or cars for a living and still own five suits.

5. You think nothing of letting your friends stop by to use your bathroom.

6. You go to home Depot and go down the aisle where doors are displayed and you feel compelled to knock on them.

7. you can't buy a pair of shoes without thinking about how comfortable they will need to be while walking residential streets in 98 degree heat.

8. You have the tendency to refer to books by colour instead of title.

9. You have a shelf just for 192 page books.

10. you have "get togethers" rather than "parties".